...watchin' you.
This article has some great research and commentary on canine behavior. We've got three pooches hanging around the house, and I can attest that they miss no opportunity to associate some cue with some action.
Our TV makes a characteristic musical tone when we shut it off. The dogs have learned that when they hear that tone, it's time to go outside and go potty before bed. I've demonstrated this for the delight of various visitors: watching TV late at night, all three dogs conked out on the floor in various places, completely dead to the world. We'll be talking in normal tones, the dogs never waking or stirring, and I'll say "watch this".
Remote: *click*
TV: "bee-dee-boop"
All three dogs will go from complete unconsciousness to on their feet in about the space of a second, then scamper to the kitchen door to be let out.
What's even more interesting is treat time... they know their individual tricks:
Zeus: speak, roll over, down, up, etc.
Zoe: speak, high-five, down, sit, etc.
Zack: "I can sit."
"Zack, speak!"
"I can sit."
"Zack, roll over!"
"I can sit."
Yeah, he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, though I'd still bet on him in a contest against Simple Dog.
Where was I? Oh yeah... my point was, when it's treat time, if you hold up a treat but don't give them a cue, they will actually start running through their repertoire of tricks (or in Zack's case, he can look more and more pathetic as he sits and drools) in order to get the treat.
All of this is leads me to my observations of my cousins and brother, with their kids, which say to me that it's pretty much the same with kids -- with the added wrinkle that kids can actually communicate in English. I've seen my cousin's husband simply give his kids a look, and they quiet down, change direction, shut up, or whatever. I've seen my brother giving nonverbal cues that prompt my little nephew to immediately anticipate that something's going to happen, even if he's not exactly sure what it is. And I'm sure that the added language element factors in, in ways far too complex to map with my limited interactions.
Of course, from the Tricia debacle and my own experience with dogs, I know all too well how easy it is to "teach" bad behaviors by not being cognizant of the constant observation. I know what's required to have perfectly behaved dogs, and frankly it's more than I'm willing to invest, so I settle for dogs that mind when it's important for them to mind and who understand how to peacefully coexist in my house (e.g. stay off the furniture, don't poop on the rug, food that's on the floor is fair game but anywhere else is cause to get your snout slapped, etc.).
The interesting thing will be trying to do this with kids. A friend recently told me that as you are with your dogs, you will be with your kids. So I don't expect to be trying to wring perfect behavior out of them; I just want them to coexist peacefully, mind when it's important to do so, and learn a few things (tricks?) along the way, like not pooping on the rug.
Showing posts with label parenting theory and practice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting theory and practice. Show all posts
Friday, June 17, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Fitness
One of my goals as a potential father is to instill a desire for physical fitness in the kids. It was never really discussed around our house; my brother and I participated in a few sports in Jr. High, but neither of us were very good at it. The term "athlete" was not in the top 10 words one would think of to describe us. But we were teenage boys, fairly active anyway, and not getting fat on our own, so the subject of fitness was sort of taken for granted.
That's why it came as a surprise to me at the time (but shouldn't have) when I woke up one day at 25 years of age and 50+ pounds overweight. I didn't really do anything about it for another 10 years, and now I deeply regret all that time I wasted as a fat guy, especially during my 20's. So among other things, I'd like to give our kids some pro-fitness ideals; not in the idea that they're going to be participating in varsity-level sports (though it's fine if they do), but with the idea that physical fitness is a thing worth pursuing for its own sake.
I work out regularly (5-6 times a week) doing the P90X and similar workouts, but I've never been much of a runner. I do like getting on the bicycle though, something for which I haven't had any time since moving into our current house 2 years ago. So this past weekend, with the wife-unit off shopping, I decided to dig out the ol' WalMart special and put 10 or 20 miles on it (wound up being 20 -- /flex).
After pumping up the tires and packing all my essentials into a little handlebar bag, I took off in a random direction with no real plan except "go that way until I get tired of it, then turn". It was 95 degrees out, but I'm used to that kind of weather, so that wasn't a big deal. All my time in the gym ensured that the effort didn't really bother me either.
What did bother me though, was my rear end. I didn't realize it was possible to get saddle sores from a bicycle. By the end of the ride I felt like I'd been whacked in the crotch with a 4x4, repeatedly, for the last 2 hours.
Does not make a good seat
I always kind of smirked at my dad's insistence on a big cushy bicycle seat, figuring I was tough enough to handle the bar of hard plastic that comes with the average WalMart special, but I'll be darned if I didn't wave the white flag right then and there. I ran off to the local sporting goods store and found a nice cushy seat and mounted it on the bike straightaway. Apparently my butt has aged less gracefully than the rest of me (in just the last 2 years!), because that new seat is the bee's knees. And after the wife-unit tried it out, she bought one for herself.
As a result of my little adventure though, she's gotten a renewed interest in going for bike rides as a way to spend time together, and I think it will carry forward into the kid-future. I'm still working on just how much I want to play "father as gym coach" and force the little rugrats (well, at least the teens) to get off the couch and do some P90X with the old man. That aside, I can definitely see bicycling -- especially with the distances and difficulty we have in our local area -- as being a good start to communicating the fitness ideal.
That's why it came as a surprise to me at the time (but shouldn't have) when I woke up one day at 25 years of age and 50+ pounds overweight. I didn't really do anything about it for another 10 years, and now I deeply regret all that time I wasted as a fat guy, especially during my 20's. So among other things, I'd like to give our kids some pro-fitness ideals; not in the idea that they're going to be participating in varsity-level sports (though it's fine if they do), but with the idea that physical fitness is a thing worth pursuing for its own sake.
I work out regularly (5-6 times a week) doing the P90X and similar workouts, but I've never been much of a runner. I do like getting on the bicycle though, something for which I haven't had any time since moving into our current house 2 years ago. So this past weekend, with the wife-unit off shopping, I decided to dig out the ol' WalMart special and put 10 or 20 miles on it (wound up being 20 -- /flex).
After pumping up the tires and packing all my essentials into a little handlebar bag, I took off in a random direction with no real plan except "go that way until I get tired of it, then turn". It was 95 degrees out, but I'm used to that kind of weather, so that wasn't a big deal. All my time in the gym ensured that the effort didn't really bother me either.
What did bother me though, was my rear end. I didn't realize it was possible to get saddle sores from a bicycle. By the end of the ride I felt like I'd been whacked in the crotch with a 4x4, repeatedly, for the last 2 hours.
Does not make a good seat
I always kind of smirked at my dad's insistence on a big cushy bicycle seat, figuring I was tough enough to handle the bar of hard plastic that comes with the average WalMart special, but I'll be darned if I didn't wave the white flag right then and there. I ran off to the local sporting goods store and found a nice cushy seat and mounted it on the bike straightaway. Apparently my butt has aged less gracefully than the rest of me (in just the last 2 years!), because that new seat is the bee's knees. And after the wife-unit tried it out, she bought one for herself.
As a result of my little adventure though, she's gotten a renewed interest in going for bike rides as a way to spend time together, and I think it will carry forward into the kid-future. I'm still working on just how much I want to play "father as gym coach" and force the little rugrats (well, at least the teens) to get off the couch and do some P90X with the old man. That aside, I can definitely see bicycling -- especially with the distances and difficulty we have in our local area -- as being a good start to communicating the fitness ideal.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Holy crap, it's been a month already?
Where does the time go...
I took a vacation, we're waiting (again) on DHS to give us some information, and nothing much is happening.
While on vacation, I did get the chance to observe some parenting "in the wild" as it were, take some mental notes, and discuss my ideas with various folks who have done the deed. I'm fascinated by the process of parenting, and honestly can't wait to take our required classes to see how they mesh with what I'm thinking.
Back to the phones and voicemail tag...
I took a vacation, we're waiting (again) on DHS to give us some information, and nothing much is happening.
While on vacation, I did get the chance to observe some parenting "in the wild" as it were, take some mental notes, and discuss my ideas with various folks who have done the deed. I'm fascinated by the process of parenting, and honestly can't wait to take our required classes to see how they mesh with what I'm thinking.
Back to the phones and voicemail tag...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Grandma's Revenge
The story of kid karma is pretty well-known. You drive your parents nuts being X kind of child, and you get X kind of child when you become a parent. As one comedian put it, the goal of parenthood is to live long enough to see your grandchildren get revenge on your kids.
My brother's firstborn is stubborn as a mule, much like his dad. Our dad loves to tell the anecdote of how my brother, at around 6 or 7 years old, refused to eat his dinner and sat at the table and made himself sick rather than eat a couple of bites of something he'd probably eaten before and has probably eaten since. This is the kid who later declared he wanted to slurp a raw egg, and mom went along with it just to see if he'd actually do it, so it's not about food grossing him out. He just wasn't going to eat his dinner, and nobody was darn well going to tell him otherwise.
The nephew is now exacting Grandma's Revenge on him, and thus all is well with the universe as I understand it.
I recently started thinking of what I was like as a kid. Of course, I only have my perspective to go on, but I remember being pretty closed off, content to lose myself in a book rather than engage with anyone (including or perhaps especially family). I also preferred to learn things "the hard way". I remember distinctly being told about this or that, and why you do something this way and not the other way. I also remember thinking in each of those circumstances, "maybe someone just hasn't really given the other way a fair shot". And then I'd go off and do it "the hard way", just to find out if what I'd been told was correct.
Most of the time, it was. But I was rewarded in my endeavors often enough that I kept up the pattern of behavior well into adulthood.
I don't know if my parents ever realized that I was doing things this way consciously and deliberately, but that's the way I learn. I have a visceral need to experience the failure of "the wrong way" first-hand. For me, learning is an iterative process, and that's probably why I love what I do for a living. Granted, my wife's patience doesn't allow for as much iteration as I'd prefer, especially when it comes to doing stuff around the house.
("Why can't we just leave it like that for a while? I'll eventually get tired of looking at the crooked board and figure out how to fix it.")
But I still learn best when I have time to discover and contemplate my mistakes rather than having someone point them out to me, or worse, try to anticipate my mistakes beforehand.
We're adopting, so maybe none of this applies at all, but I can't help thinking that more than likely I'll wind up with a kid who needs to learn experientially, who doesn't process criticism (even the constructive kind) gracefully, and who would rather be left alone with a book or computer than dragged to a family function, even something as entertaining as the Christmas get-together. I could also end up with a kid who's a little too smart and a little too anti-social for his own good. I think I'm up to the challenge, but only time will tell.
I know my parents are waiting to be entertained.
My brother's firstborn is stubborn as a mule, much like his dad. Our dad loves to tell the anecdote of how my brother, at around 6 or 7 years old, refused to eat his dinner and sat at the table and made himself sick rather than eat a couple of bites of something he'd probably eaten before and has probably eaten since. This is the kid who later declared he wanted to slurp a raw egg, and mom went along with it just to see if he'd actually do it, so it's not about food grossing him out. He just wasn't going to eat his dinner, and nobody was darn well going to tell him otherwise.
The nephew is now exacting Grandma's Revenge on him, and thus all is well with the universe as I understand it.
I recently started thinking of what I was like as a kid. Of course, I only have my perspective to go on, but I remember being pretty closed off, content to lose myself in a book rather than engage with anyone (including or perhaps especially family). I also preferred to learn things "the hard way". I remember distinctly being told about this or that, and why you do something this way and not the other way. I also remember thinking in each of those circumstances, "maybe someone just hasn't really given the other way a fair shot". And then I'd go off and do it "the hard way", just to find out if what I'd been told was correct.
Most of the time, it was. But I was rewarded in my endeavors often enough that I kept up the pattern of behavior well into adulthood.
I don't know if my parents ever realized that I was doing things this way consciously and deliberately, but that's the way I learn. I have a visceral need to experience the failure of "the wrong way" first-hand. For me, learning is an iterative process, and that's probably why I love what I do for a living. Granted, my wife's patience doesn't allow for as much iteration as I'd prefer, especially when it comes to doing stuff around the house.
("Why can't we just leave it like that for a while? I'll eventually get tired of looking at the crooked board and figure out how to fix it.")
But I still learn best when I have time to discover and contemplate my mistakes rather than having someone point them out to me, or worse, try to anticipate my mistakes beforehand.
We're adopting, so maybe none of this applies at all, but I can't help thinking that more than likely I'll wind up with a kid who needs to learn experientially, who doesn't process criticism (even the constructive kind) gracefully, and who would rather be left alone with a book or computer than dragged to a family function, even something as entertaining as the Christmas get-together. I could also end up with a kid who's a little too smart and a little too anti-social for his own good. I think I'm up to the challenge, but only time will tell.
I know my parents are waiting to be entertained.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Worries and Wonderings
One of my favorite people in the whole world is a Methodist minister named Richard. He's an expert in "family systems", which I take to mean the relational dynamics that occur within a family and also how it affects the individuals' relationships outside the family. He has a great ability to empathize and see things from another's point of view, and he is always a calming influence on me when I am troubled or agitated about something.
Richard once had a conversation with me about children. It was in the context of dealing with troubled children, but he phrased his main thought in such a way as to include all children. He said, "I almost believe that if each child has someone in their lives who values them just for being, whose relationship with the child communicates clearly 'you are valuable just because you are here', without putting expectations or judgments into the mix... that would almost be enough."
I don't know if it's appropriate for one attempting to parent to be that person or not. It seems that parenting necessarily involves some expectations and judgments, so it may be that only a grandparent or aunt or uncle can really be that person. But to the extent that I am able, this is what I want to communicate to our kids. "You are valuable just because you are here." It seems especially important to me when I consider the message that may have been communicated to them through the foster care system: "you are a burden and a lot of trouble to have around... so much so that we actually have to pay people to care for you."
I worry constantly about being able to forge a connection with our kids. My nephew knows instinctively who his parents are. He's never had to think about it, and he feels an attachment to them at a profound level. I have almost no hope of being able to reach that level with our kids, and I despair at being able to even approach it. I'm an introvert to begin with, and sometimes interaction with my wife is about all I can handle. How do I convince two or more strangers, who have likely been hurt by other adults, that I do actually care for them and want to have that same connection that my brother and his son obviously share?
Wow, suddenly my mind just shot over to the standard Christian narrative about God trying to convince us all that He loves us. I'm going to have to ruminate on that a bit.
Richard once had a conversation with me about children. It was in the context of dealing with troubled children, but he phrased his main thought in such a way as to include all children. He said, "I almost believe that if each child has someone in their lives who values them just for being, whose relationship with the child communicates clearly 'you are valuable just because you are here', without putting expectations or judgments into the mix... that would almost be enough."
I don't know if it's appropriate for one attempting to parent to be that person or not. It seems that parenting necessarily involves some expectations and judgments, so it may be that only a grandparent or aunt or uncle can really be that person. But to the extent that I am able, this is what I want to communicate to our kids. "You are valuable just because you are here." It seems especially important to me when I consider the message that may have been communicated to them through the foster care system: "you are a burden and a lot of trouble to have around... so much so that we actually have to pay people to care for you."
I worry constantly about being able to forge a connection with our kids. My nephew knows instinctively who his parents are. He's never had to think about it, and he feels an attachment to them at a profound level. I have almost no hope of being able to reach that level with our kids, and I despair at being able to even approach it. I'm an introvert to begin with, and sometimes interaction with my wife is about all I can handle. How do I convince two or more strangers, who have likely been hurt by other adults, that I do actually care for them and want to have that same connection that my brother and his son obviously share?
Wow, suddenly my mind just shot over to the standard Christian narrative about God trying to convince us all that He loves us. I'm going to have to ruminate on that a bit.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Bibliophile
Almost everything I know how to do, which is worth knowing how to do, started with or involved a book at some point. I dropped out of the computer science program at Bowling Green State University in part because I concluded they were in no hurry to teach me anything, and instead learned to be a programmer courtesy of Waldenbooks, the now-largely defunct chain of shopping mall book stores. I have read, processed, and even thrown away more books on computer programming than many of my friends have read on any subject.
When I became a homeowner, I turned to books. I read about shopping for houses, inspecting houses, and (ultimately) maintaining and repairing houses. I have books on automobile repair, relationships, God and religion, political philosophy, and my not-so-secret hobby, economics. At the end of the day, when all I want is to relax and enjoy something that's not too strenuous on the ol' noggin, I turn to an equally extensive collection of fictional work.
So it is that as I prepare to become a father, I naturally turn to books on parenting and fatherhood. At first glance, the field of offerings is so vast as to be thoroughly bewildering. There are countless highly-regarded works available, and I'm sure some of them contain conflicting advice on child-rearing. I momentarily despaired at finding a good one to start with, but then realized I'd probably read several different ones anyway. I picked one that had a title that appealed to me, with reviews generally positive, and dove in for a look around.
My current book is Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, by Jane Nelsen and H. Stephen Glenn. It appeals to my worldview in that its emphasis is on raising kids to be problem solvers and solution finders rather than simply consumers of other peoples' solutions. It doesn't deal directly with issues I see myself having as a parent due to past experience, but the ideas it offers are already incompatible with yelling and losing my temper, so it certainly can't hurt. I am particularly interested in the idea of creating an environment for learning with just enough "danger" in it to provide naturally-occurring negative consequences rather than the sort that come from angry or disappointed parents.
Anyway, I'm about halfway through the book, and after I absorb it (and probably read it a second time), I'll be casting about for the next one. My usual pattern is 2 - 3 books before I reach a saturation point on theory and have to take some time to either practice what I've learned or just let it settle. So if you're a parent and have some recommendations for my reading list, feel free to leave them in the comments. I'm particularly interested in self-reliance and independence for kids, and self-control and patience for parents. All suggestions are welcome, even if they're as self-deprecating as Parenting for Dummies.
When I became a homeowner, I turned to books. I read about shopping for houses, inspecting houses, and (ultimately) maintaining and repairing houses. I have books on automobile repair, relationships, God and religion, political philosophy, and my not-so-secret hobby, economics. At the end of the day, when all I want is to relax and enjoy something that's not too strenuous on the ol' noggin, I turn to an equally extensive collection of fictional work.
So it is that as I prepare to become a father, I naturally turn to books on parenting and fatherhood. At first glance, the field of offerings is so vast as to be thoroughly bewildering. There are countless highly-regarded works available, and I'm sure some of them contain conflicting advice on child-rearing. I momentarily despaired at finding a good one to start with, but then realized I'd probably read several different ones anyway. I picked one that had a title that appealed to me, with reviews generally positive, and dove in for a look around.
My current book is Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, by Jane Nelsen and H. Stephen Glenn. It appeals to my worldview in that its emphasis is on raising kids to be problem solvers and solution finders rather than simply consumers of other peoples' solutions. It doesn't deal directly with issues I see myself having as a parent due to past experience, but the ideas it offers are already incompatible with yelling and losing my temper, so it certainly can't hurt. I am particularly interested in the idea of creating an environment for learning with just enough "danger" in it to provide naturally-occurring negative consequences rather than the sort that come from angry or disappointed parents.
Anyway, I'm about halfway through the book, and after I absorb it (and probably read it a second time), I'll be casting about for the next one. My usual pattern is 2 - 3 books before I reach a saturation point on theory and have to take some time to either practice what I've learned or just let it settle. So if you're a parent and have some recommendations for my reading list, feel free to leave them in the comments. I'm particularly interested in self-reliance and independence for kids, and self-control and patience for parents. All suggestions are welcome, even if they're as self-deprecating as Parenting for Dummies.
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