One of my favorite people in the whole world is a Methodist minister named Richard. He's an expert in "family systems", which I take to mean the relational dynamics that occur within a family and also how it affects the individuals' relationships outside the family. He has a great ability to empathize and see things from another's point of view, and he is always a calming influence on me when I am troubled or agitated about something.
Richard once had a conversation with me about children. It was in the context of dealing with troubled children, but he phrased his main thought in such a way as to include all children. He said, "I almost believe that if each child has someone in their lives who values them just for being, whose relationship with the child communicates clearly 'you are valuable just because you are here', without putting expectations or judgments into the mix... that would almost be enough."
I don't know if it's appropriate for one attempting to parent to be that person or not. It seems that parenting necessarily involves some expectations and judgments, so it may be that only a grandparent or aunt or uncle can really be that person. But to the extent that I am able, this is what I want to communicate to our kids. "You are valuable just because you are here." It seems especially important to me when I consider the message that may have been communicated to them through the foster care system: "you are a burden and a lot of trouble to have around... so much so that we actually have to pay people to care for you."
I worry constantly about being able to forge a connection with our kids. My nephew knows instinctively who his parents are. He's never had to think about it, and he feels an attachment to them at a profound level. I have almost no hope of being able to reach that level with our kids, and I despair at being able to even approach it. I'm an introvert to begin with, and sometimes interaction with my wife is about all I can handle. How do I convince two or more strangers, who have likely been hurt by other adults, that I do actually care for them and want to have that same connection that my brother and his son obviously share?
Wow, suddenly my mind just shot over to the standard Christian narrative about God trying to convince us all that He loves us. I'm going to have to ruminate on that a bit.
oh tom,
ReplyDeleteIf you only knew how much your children will love you and you them. It is not a blood bond but one of love. The love that you already know. Agape love. Self sacrificing love, and yes that love that says I love you no matter what. You are capaple of it and God will give you what you need when you need it. My Mom and I share no blood but no one on this planet could ever tell me that she in not my Mom. She is everything to me. She was there when I fell down, she changed my diapers, she taught me how to fry and egg and put on makeup and was there for me when I learned how cruel the world could be. NOTHING can ever change that. ADOPTION is something so special and wonderful, that God modeled it for us first. Each of us is adopted by him if we so choose. So you have had this modeled in your life and you and Lisa WILL do and AWESOME job passing it along.
Love you......Keep looking up
Tom (Fletch),
ReplyDeleteI think that you are niggling around (touching the edge) of what many involved, interested parents feel and do in raising a child.
My son is 14. Sometimes he is the bashful child, out of his element in a situation, sucking up his surroundings to find his figurative footing.
Sometimes he stands on his two feet and is his "own person", operating independently of his mother and I.
Other times, he is "part of the team" where he knows that his needs may come second to another family member's needs (wifey is having surgery on Monday), so he knows that he is acting in a supporting or helping role during the last week or so.
Further times, he is in charge of various situations - Me: "I need you to mow lawn. Please have it done by 4:30 P.M. so that we can shower and go out to dinner like we planned earlier. It's up to you when you go mow. It's 10:30 A.M. now, so I'm leaving it up to you to get it done."
Sometimes he drives what role he plays (subservient, independent, support, or lead)and sometimes we (wifey and I) gently push him into a role that may be outside his comfort zone. The visual that comes to mind for me is a gently writhing group of snakes. It is hard to tell where one snake (role) starts and another snake ends because the relationship between us is constantly ebbing and flowing. I think that Jake (my son) is secure in himself because he knows that he is needed and wanted in all of our family situations, no matter the role he is playing. He has a "part to play", just like wifey and I do, and he has faith in us that, if he gets in over his head or needs direction, we are there to support and guide him. Our expectations of him are simply to use his best judgement and try his best in whatever role he is filling at that time. We think he does very well and we tell him so. We do not do the "everyone gets a trophy" philosophy, having had many, many talks with Jake over time letting him know that he is going to do many good things in his life that he may never receive recognition for, but he will know in his heart that he has done something good for someone else.
I have a step-son that is now 21. I married his mother when he was 6 years old. He and I never "clicked". We butted heads with one another many times over his early years with him acting out in school, blatantly disobeying household rules, etc., etc. His father was never a part of his life and he absolutely refused to allow me to act as a father or step-father to him. He is now in the Army and is starting to understand what the situation was when he was a child. He wanted to relationship with me then but is now reaching out to me (some) as he grows. My point with that information is that I can understand your fear of the child(ren) not letting you into their life. It can be painful at the time but it pays off when the child emotionally grows enough to look back and evaluate with the eye of an adult.
1. Don't sweat the small stuff
2. Remember, it's all small stuff
You'll do fine as parents is my guess. I'm not saying it will be smooth or easy. I don't think that you and your wife could "fluff" your "nest" for receiving children that what you have already. You're ready, IMO. You just need the green light.
- Jeff, aka Blue Tile Spook (INGO)
Thanks for the support, folks. It means a lot.
ReplyDeleteTom, Don has a plaque titled "Priorities" which one of our son's gave to him a long time ago. It says "A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child." Don't ever forget that. Personally, I think you and Lisa will make wonderful parents. I love you both!
ReplyDeleteJudie Ellis